Ravings of a Vulgar Irishman

• What turns me on: Metal women.
• What makes me flaccid and want to weep with frustration: When Metal women behave like being into metal makes them better than every other woman in the world.

Yep

• Cerebral Bore: Hailing from the festering pits of Glasgow, this particular BDM mob come with a surprise. Many first time listeners are constantly shocked at the discovery that Cerebral Bore are fronted by the Dutch skull crusher Simone “Som” Pluijmers. That’s right boys, it’s a girl who is better than you will ever be, deal with it.

• Cripper: Another band that surprises many a clueless first time listener. Idiots while listening to Cripper for the first time have been know to spout remarks like “derp, that sounds Like Dez From Devil Driver, is this Coal chamber!?”. …No It’s actually The German Thrash Metal Mob Cripper from Hannover, fronted by Britta Görtz, vertically challenged Thrash Queen. Small, loud and guttural enough to make Dez Fafara do a double take.

• Holy Moses: On the subject of German Thrash Queens, I’m fairly sure I’d be crucified for not mentioning the original trend setter herself Sabina Classen, and rightly so. Think about it for a moment, 1981, woman in a Thrash Metal band in Germany, you WISH you were that ballsy! For more of Sabina’s work, I highly recommend her other project, Temple Of the Absurd.  

• Bolt Thrower: You know how it is these days, some pop metal band will throw in an obligatory female member and more than likely stick her on bass that you can never hear in the mix (coughsonicsyndicate)? Well in answer to this absurdity I give you Bolt Thrower Bass Woman Jo Bench. You can hear her, she can play better than most and she is definitely there to be seen AND heard. Jo, We Salute you!

• Girlschool: The original all girl metal band (Yes I’m aware the runaways came out first, but frankly, fuck them). A band so talented that their presence offended all manner of guy bands in the late 70s, probably because they could play circles around any one of them. Girlschool to this day remain an inspiration to any band fighting adversity, and will remain a symbol of beating the odds for all times to come.

In no particular order

• Crucified Barbara: 4 Swedish rock goddesses, playing a form of sleezy hard rock that would make W.A.S.P. blush.

• Putrefied Beauty: An all female Brutal Death Metal Band from Italy that astounds even the most avid of Death Metal enthusiasts, sadly they broke up in may of last year, but the demos they released are more than worth your time

• Demonic Christ: Centered around American Black Metal Queen, Dana Duffy.

• Wendy O Williams: The Original Queen of Shock, a woman so prolific in her stage performance (chain sawing guitars, blowing up cars etc) that Motorhead wrote the song “no class” for her. A former sex performer turned Heavy Metal Goddess, Wendy was nominated for a Grammy, a true hard worker and an inspiration to dirt bags of any gender, she is missed by many having killed herself in 1998. We miss you Wendy.

• Arkona: The Russian Folk Metal Mob fronted by Maria “Masha Scream” Arkhipova. This is a woman who can roar with the best of them but at the same time, play a tune so hopelessly catchy you will not be able to help but do a little jig. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tt6_65LDZ60 I defy you not to do a jig!

I require a woman to come to my house wearing nothing but these 2 items and walk around my living room while I sit on my couch looking pleased with myself.

There’s a woman somewhere in the world who can pull this off….and I’m in her closet waiting for my chance.

Astarte - Mutter